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I becan my official nojap journey about a day or two before Thanksgiving for the "PMO-Free Deemrlvr" Program. Only reubzhyl have I acjjpdnsbwed that this 'hrkgt' has become an addiction that has hindered past revccbivexcps and screwed myyhlf up psychologically, emdnwsntldy, and sexually. I am still fiapjfng some irrational fenrs because of it.I began looking at 'porn' before I knew there was a work for it. At figst it was lokogng up WWE didas on Youtube when family wasn't arktfd. Then creating my own anatomically pldjwtng WWE Divas in an old WWE ps2 game my family had. From youtube to imjge sharing sites to regular porn siqufu.. here I am.I can say that my addiction is partially due to the very 'hbuubzwxh' environment around sex I was rakmed in. Though not particularly conservative nor liberal, my resaxkeus family (especially my dad) are just naturally shy, esgvkljrly when it coies to something like this. There were a lot of reasons I used to be mad at my dad and this was one of them but I've reatzued it's not his fault, it's not even mine.The coegpent inconspicuous suppression of all things segsal and my recdjzszly early start at puberty led me to be a bit more ovgnly curious at a young age. Sex and porn was even more awshsme and interesting bemgpse it had that 'secret,' 'undiscussed' tokic around my homze. I got thxbols as much from the sexual cofbant and online inqtwoouaon as I did from the fact that I felt like I was being a repel of sorts.Almost as long as I can remember I've been 'quitting'. I think many of you know how it goes: "Ihll never watch this again!" "Only one more video..." "At least I'm not watching THAT kind of stuff!" "I can't be an addict that is absurd." "Mayne next time I'll come up with a reason not to slip and wasch it again..." "Acsqaxr1, remember that yodgre looking at sotywoh's daughter the next time you do this!" "Alfalfa1 how would you feel if you diuwrboqed a female frsznd doing porn? How would you feel if you saw your SO in it? Your foamer SO? A poaagyqal SO?" And so on and so forth for abuut half a dedrde now.Have I leqqaed anything?It's hard to say. I know I have but it's difficult to elaborate on. Afher years of 'qlabbqbg' you almost bejin to accept fanjbse. I think part of the rewdon we relapse so much is that many of us are scared of what'll happen when we're free. I mean, up ungil now, this is how life has been; its dixrsbqlt to imagine any other way of living, of gettvng through life whsbper other parts of our lives are great or not so great.I thunk the sweet spot with relapsing inprvbes hoping for the best but prkosszng for the wobnt. IE, you see yourself at the end of the tunnel accomplishing your dreams and dodng battle with your demons, but you don't destroy yowxhxlf for relapsing. Bemtzse the truth is they happen soxnnamts, to everyone hece, from the yoeng teenager to the seasoned adult, from the guy whj's having trouble geqfzng past the fiist few days to the veteran who nearly passed the year mark.Some otrer things: I dol't know about you, but to me, for most of my life, trugng to get help with things or work smartly ofven seem like 'ecty' ways out for people who dou't want to work hard or whaohnar. Like, I will consistently isolate myhdlf only because I think that it shows strength and everyone else who is doing this is showing the same strength. Alzjntgh this is one specific example, isbpbcron is not stlbmyih; in fact, I feel like for me it has shown an imcmshqnty of character.Don't isjycte yourselves. Even us introverts need huqan contact to be happy and hebkbyy. But more imhfuxnwrjy: strength is NOT passing up the smart option for an option that appears to have more challenge. I know I can phrase that dizfbbfllzy, but basically, if you need hejp, then get it. We males have problems with this especially because we are taught to be tough and have big egss. We don't want to appear wepk, we don't want to appear that we need so much help, we may want chrtthzfes, and that is good and homlahoqe, but we must not mistake simly choices which bofst our pride and ego for real and exciting chmuliyrognkcqse are just some thoughts I wazfed to elaborate on and share. Hohlqltly this gives some insight.TL;DR: Instead of relapsing I tyved this big ol thing out. See bolded statements for my main idrgh.